World
traveler, adventurer, advisor to kings and pastry chefs, Gallimimus
bullatus has been everywhere and seen it all. From his humble
beginnings in the Late Cretaceous to his freakishly random wanderings
today Gallimimus has developed a keen insight into the workings
of the modern world. Prime ministers, scientists and lacrosse players
from around the world consult this amazing ornithomimosaur about
his opinions on everything from fast food breakfasts (“Ah,
they’re okay.”) to the “World Series of Pop Culture”
premiering on VH1 in summer 2006 (“My bet: a stinker.”)
The
wisdom of Gallimimus is to be collected in Words to Ponder!
by Gallimimus, to be self-published in 2007 or 2008 or
“whenever $150 can be scrapped up.” AnteriorLobe.com
is proud (sort of) to present some of these Ponderful Words below.
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“Mr.
Gallimimus you are drunk!” Lady Ashton said angrily.
“Well you’re ugly,” I quipped.
“And in the morning I’ll have a terrible hangover while
you will look refreshed and beautiful. Wait…that’s not
how it goes…”
But it was too late, she was walking away.
So I threw my glass at her head.
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It
Patton and Alexander the Great got together would they speak of strategy,
tactics, and logistics? I doubt it. I think there would be some pointing
and a few shrugs since neither speaks the other’s language. |
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I
told Napoleon that when he was dead I thought there might be a mix-up
with his corpse and that everyone in the future would think he was
very short.
We laughed and laughed.
I then told Napoleon that in the future I figured
everyone would see his portrait with his hand in his coat and think
he just did that all the time.
We laughed and laughed
Finally, I told Napoleon that I bet in the future
when people were crazy they would end up thinking they themselves
were Napoleon.
We laughed and laughed.
Then I realized that he wasn’t laughing at
all but calling for the Imperial Grenadiers. They rushed into the
room and the largest one lifted me over his head and spun me around
until at last he threw me against the wall.
And that is how the professional wrestling move
the "airplane spin" was born.
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At
the first Lincoln–Douglas debate I suddenly yelled out, “I’ll
vote for the candidate with the best recipe for apples!”
They stopped and looked at each other for a few
moments, then Lincoln launched into an ode to Apple Pie. Douglas
countered with an Apple Spice drink. Soon they were batting back
and forth the merits of Apple Cinnamon Bread, Apple Strudel and
Apple Crisp until they both burst out the words “Apple Custard
Tart.”
Again they stopped and looked at each other. This
desert had brought together two men of such different temperaments
and beliefs, could it not also bring together all people across
the land, perhaps even avert a Civil War?
The answer was clear: No.
Abraham Lincoln and Steven Douglas realized this
at the same time. Or I think so. I didn’t get a chance to
ask. They both pulled out pistols and started shooting, forcing
me to run down an alley and hide out for three weeks disguised as
a hitching post.
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Back
in the late Stone Age I met a small band of humans which had set up
a rudimentary village near a stream. They'd learned how to plant seeds
to grow their own food which they traded with other bands which were
still nomadic.
When I met them they were trading one basket of
grain for six fur pelts. I quickly began to teach to price things
just below a round number, like 9.99 instead of 10. Of course didn’t
know what a round number was, or even a number, but they listened
and changed the price to 9 pelts. The nomadic bands were angry and
refused to trade.
“They’ll be back!” I vowed, and
had the villagers set the price to 15 pelts. The people were confused
until I told them that this was the retail price, they would tell
each nomad that – just for him – the price was 9 pelts.
Everyone loves a bargain!
It worked! The villagers were richer and happier,
although they didn’t really have any use for the extra pelts.
(Attempts to make the world's first novelty items sadly failed.)
Then I taught the villagers about extending credit
lines, turning 9 pelts into four easy payments of 3 pelts! No pelts
down! Then we moved onto commission selling and special holiday
sales. Soon the village was transformed into a pelt-a-poolza! The
nomadic tribes now began to settle down so they too could enjoy
the new riches.
As I was feted as a godling, I noticed the next
spring that no one was planting. Instead there were now 5 villages
each packed with people trying to improve their sales pitch with
crude advertisements and clothes out of garish green materials.
I took that as a sign to move on about 120 valleys
away. The birth of sales was not going to be easy.
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